#5 Developing non-sexual intimacy is important to your relationship:

Sex and emotional intimacy are very different things yet certainly related.  Far to often couples will begin a sexual relationship before they have achieved a genuine emotional one.  Once the sexual relationship has begun, it can easily cloud the couples perspectives on their relationship.  Men often stay in the relationship for the sex thinking their differences will work out.  They may look at their partner through rose colored glasses not seeing potential warning signs because the sex is good.  After a women has allowed a sexual relationship to begin she also can easily put unwarranted hope in the potential of the relationship.  Her sexual investment along with the bonding which occurs when people have sex (unless seared through many casual sexual encounters) clouds her eyes.  If the woman gets pregnant, there is often the feeling that they "have" to get married now.  Genuine intimacy can only grow through objective time spent together.  Consider these thngs, what is your partners ideas about children, marriage, money and debt, family dynamics, moral issues, religious issues,  smoking or drinking, or where you might live.  If there are many or vastly different views on these and other topics, time must be taken to consider the ramifications of your differences.  Long term relationships which allow the couple to "grow together" naturally, rarely happen accidentially.  Emotional intimacy MUST preceed sexual intimacy or the relationship is being built on thin ice.  Years ago, a girl I knew socially told me that her boyfriend loved her and they didn't need a marriage license to prove that love.  I challenged her, go home and tell him that if he really loves you, would he marry you?  She did so to find out that the question led to a severe argument and his leaving that night to move in with another girl.  Intimacy can only grow when there is mutual respect, harmonious perspectives on life issues, evident trustability, and some level of openess and honesty!  Intimacy is a necessary and valuable part of any relationship, especially one where every part of life will be involved.

Below is my e-mail address, share with me what has made you feel close to your partner?

Few would argue that sexual intimacy is a significant bond in marriage.  Emotional intimacy is just as important in a healthy marriage.  By emotional intimacy I mean:

• the need to be loved
• the need to be accepted, faults and all
• the need to be trusted and to trust as well
• the need to feel secure
• the feeling that they have someone they can openly talk to
• the knowledge that they have someone who will be on their side during the bad times
• the feeling that they are "connected" to someone

Without the above areas being operative at some level, feelings will not develop in such a way as to make a person feel loved and wanted.  Write down the areas listed above which are not functioning at a satisfactory level and consider what is hindering the area from developing.  Write down your ideas and discuss them with your partner.  If you are not free to openly discuss them, I highly recommend getting some form of counseling. 

Listed below are several keys which should increase feelings of intimacy in your relationship. It must be noted that feelings often take time to fully develop and are easily destroyed when someone has undermined them. Furthermore, people who have been deeply wounded in their life experience or have been hurt often, frequently find it hard to trust again. People who were severly abused as children are often unable to "ever" be fully trusting people.  If a person experiences severe alienation when a minor offense has occured, this typlifies a person who is covering up a previous hurt, significant insecurities, or the need to hurt others as they have been hurt!  Note the following:

• spending quality time together is very important to developing intimacy
• fully discussing problems, differences, or infractions will open the door to being able to develop intimate feelings
• being able to be honest along with actually being honest is important (couples MUST allow each other to be honest with each other)
• dealing with problems quickly and acting upon agreements helps intimate feelings to develop
• prioritizing physical intimacy in your marriage is important

Intimacy stoppers:

• dishonesty (or saying one thing and doing another)
• being overly critical of your partner on a regular basis
• infidelity
• showing anger or being hateful
• refusing sexual intimacy on a regular basis
• lack of time together (if not agreed upon)
• not following through with agreements
• lack of generosity or caring
• failing to be supportive when needed
• being secretive and not being open
• excessive negativity or criticism of others