#7 YOUR EXPECTATIONS WILL BRING LIFE OR DEATH TO THE RELATIONSHIP:

Think of the expectations which have such a huge impact on our thinking.  Here are some common examples; he will make me happy, she will make me happy, if we get married bliss will follow, I need to find my soul mate, if I make my spouse jealous, he/she will respond differently to me, if I just had more money, if my husband/wife were like Bob/Marry I would be happy, living together will prepare us for marriage, and on and on the expectations can go!  Misguided expectations have created many a problem in life and marriage.  Some have called this tendency the "tyranny of the shoulds!"  When making others subject to our expectations, we create  conflict for both ourselves and others.

1. We assumed something that is not necessarily correct; (example: because you are married, your spouse will love and support you)

2. We would rather "wish" that someting were so, rather than work toward it; (example: that your spouse, family, kids will respect or trust you)

3. Popular culture distortes our reality; (example: that love justifies all or that people will do what they say they will)

5. We can justify nearly anything as to what it should be; (example: that if you are a woman you can have a close friend who is a man and it shouldn't bother your husband)

6. Our selfish nature is behind many of our expectations; (example: you can do whatever you want apart from the consent of your spouse)

7. People tell us untruths as truths and we accept what they say; (example: that you do not have to be accountable to each other regarding your individual incomes)

8. We can easily assume how we think others should respond to us or our actions; (example: we can be selfish, unkind, and demanding but your spouse can't display any of the above)

It's easy for us to judge, question, or crtitcise others for how they act when we may do the same things ourselves.  If you say something which offends another person, they might offend you back.  If you don't fulfill your agreements, others will typically not fulfill theirs either!  Often, our expectations are for others not realizing that others also have expectations for us as well.

All people share a group of common needs.  Certainly the level of need in each category varies with each individual, but this does not negate the need itself.  We need to feel safe.  We need to feel as though we belong to a group in some way.  We need to have a purpose in life.  We need to have some system of order in life.  We need to feel good about ourselves, and we need to express ourselves in some way.  Some list other areas as well.  We expect our spouse to help us fill these areas of need in some way.  When the marriage hampers the fulfilling of these needs, the relationship is greatly weakeded.

First, as with our personality development, we learn through our family and childhood development those values which guide our frame of thinking.  Secondly, our social environment sets tha stage for acceptable and unacceptable norms.  Thirdly, we are motivated by things which either frighten us, inspire us, or help us to survive.  Those values impact the foundation of our thinking.  Finally, as we mature, we better understand our past experiences and translate them into a usable value system. 

The primary reason younger couples typically have a much higher rate of divorce is that their level of idealism has not matured.  Their expectations and understanding of life is less mature and in the process of changing greatly. 

First, you have to be healthy and mature yourself.  This is why so many couples who marry at an early age usually have their marriage end in divorce.  When your needs are immature and volitatile, typical of young and inexperienced people, your expectations will be the same.  Make sure your expectations are well grounded and reasonable.

Secondly, don't expect of others what you don't practice yourself.  A commom problem in many marriage relationships is a spouse who is demanding of their partner in some area of the relationship yet they don't do the very thing themselves.  I knew a couple who both struggled with alcohol yet her criticism of her husband was that he was an alcoholic. 

Thirdly, make sure that what you are expecting of your mate is something they can do.  This is especially true of communication issues.  Many men have a problem spending long periods of time discussing issues.  Certainly issues need to be resolved, so set a clear time period in which an issue is to be dealt with, then stick to the schedule.  He will do much better if he feels that the discussion will not be a never ending one.

Fourthly, make sure that your partner understands what your expectations are and specifically why expectations have not been met.   Most of us have heard the joke about the woman who asks why her husband never tells her that he loves her!  He says, I told you I love you when we got married, if it changes, I'll let you know!   Communicate your need and why.  Often a partner may be unaware of your need or even believe he/she is responding adequatly to the need.

Finally, perhaps you need to fulfill the need or expectation in some other way.  Your spouse can not be expected to take care of your every need!   Possibly a class, an activity, a club, or a hobby in which you become engaged will satisfy this area.